WILD

sun has risen, looks like a bit of a gloomy day

i’m making moves since 8am, just re-registered for the damn GRE’s – – which i was supposed to take this past September.. and then i chickened out, so that didn’t work out.. but May 1st is the dreadful day, so i’ve got that to look forward to.

i also just applied for like three more intern positions & finally filled out a linkedin account [growing up over here]

next on my agenda is to get out of bed, clean my room till it looks like it belongs in a magazine, and research the crap out of all the schools i hope to enroll in for my master’s program

should be a fun filled afternoon for what i call my “day off”

hopefully i’ll get to relax a little bit later

PS: MY MAN PICKED UP SOME OF THIS THROWBACK A FEW DAYS AGO

Image

feels pretty vintagey no?

oh also, i hope he doesn’t yell at me for posting this for the world to see – BUT LOOK AT HOW HANDSOME HE IS!

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sei parte di me

when i re-read posts from my past – i realize that my thoughts from even a year ago have changed drastically, however i’m always in this loop of – what’s next?

what if tomorrow never came?

would i be content leaving my name as is?

it seems that the older i get – the more i experience – the less i truly know.

the less i trust my judgement on my own actions – beliefs.

school and work and sleep take up most hours of my life

i can only hope that it will all be worth it in the end – but nothing’s guaranteed.

i’m forced to face my daily unscheduled schedule and ‘hope’ for the best – believe that everything happens for a reason, but struggle with certain issues in my life that i have no control over – of which there are many.

it’s funny how life works. you’ve got to stay busy to stay alive.

it seems that frequently, i’m speeding through – rushing through because i’ve got to do this, i’ve got to do that.

i wonder what things would be like without a worry in the world.

i’m stressing my physics class & procrastinating.

that’s where this is coming from.

—————–

i’m complaining, i know i know – but it isn’t ALL that bad – i’ve been more happy than sad recently

yay

stressed.

can’t deny the fact that i’ve felt butchered since school started.

i don’t think i’ve ever had so much work expected of me in my life – i’m keeping up, but barely.

between the commute, waking up early, doing work, working, eating – i’ve become so anti social.

—————–

BUT i’ve learned to concentrate and get shit done in starbucks – so at least i’m surrounded by people most of the time

today’s agenda includes, but is not limited to:

de tocqueville, federalist no. 10, howl, thoreau – readings & summaries.

completion/write up of my physics lab

serious studying for both physics & theories of personality

i’ve got about six hours for this ish

BYE.

a comment that makes sense to me.

from ialeks :

“like you always say; just let it be. don’t think about it and let time decide on what will happen. sometimes no matter what you do, you just can’t change your destiny and although life might give you signs that will make you believe that you are supposed to do something a certain way, it’s often just testing us to see if we are strong enough because with each year the stakes are getting higher and our life gets more fragile.

sometimes it’s not the best time for a relationship.
sometimes you might feel like you’ve waited and waited and finally found someone that hits you in every dimension, but it’s just the wrong timing or circumstances. whatever it is there is a reason why you met them now and there is a reason why things are turning up the way they are.
often you just need to give it a break. perhaps “right now” is not the best timing, but maybe next month something will happen and everything will change.
people go to see thier doctor for their annual check up and sometimes within a week they find out they are seriously sick or they only have months left to live.
you get in your car in the morning, and you never know if you will make it home, if someone will hit you on a highway and you will end up in the hospital, and your visitors might be the people you least expect to show up.
you might feel like you’re on top of the world or at the very bottom, walk into your new class or perhaps even a grocery store and meet someone who will change your life, sometimes in a good, sometimes in a bad way.
every conversation, every person and every situation in our life has a meaning.
life is unexpected. it makes you look back at your past and view a trailer of it with the most unexpected and twisted events.

“just let it be; breath” right?
there’s nothing else you can do except live life step by step, making the best of what you have”

———————–

true story.

i’m letting it be.

BREATHING.

begin again

recently i’ve been listening to a lot of colbie caillat; i began listening to her probably about 3 years ago, before anyone knew who she was.. but it’s fine – good music spreads quickly. but anyway, i’m actually sitting at my desk, in my office – at the restaurant. i’m still in a shitty mood. i haven’t felt this way in a really really really long time, in fact – i’m not sure i’ve been this bummed – ever. just that all negative events occured, hit me hard – stuff i didn’t see coming, i wasn’t ready for. things i can’t go back to and change – things i have no control over. but thats life now, isn’t it. anyway – i don’t know how to change my damn emotions. i’m always always always in a good mood,  i mean, prior to this whole week, which i won’t get into detail about, but i’m always trying to be happy, i hate being down – and now, there are just so many things running through my head, like – i don’t even know how to filter them out, or rather i don’t know if i should. i feel like i need an escape – call me dramatic, but perhaps i need a roadtrip, i need to clear my head. i havent figured out a way how, YET. school has been keeping me busy – but thats another thing i’m worried about, bills are piling up, and my goals in life have changed,  what am i going to do with my life? for the first time in life, i don’t have a damn plan. i mean what happened to me?

i need new substrate. i’m not sure where to find it – i’m not sure what it is i can cling onto. but i need to. maybe an addiction. i’m thinking like a crazy person, i’m not depressed – i don’t believe in that shit. i’m an overall happy person, i just need to, relax, i guess. but i don’t know how to do that. i need a hobby maybe. maybe that’s what i need. i need to give myself time from the people i am surrounded by, i need to focus on solely me – but how am i supposed to do that when i live with my parents, attend the same school my brother does, i don’t have a license. i can’t exactly go where i please. maybe i should take up drawing again. or maybe i should start dancing again, i could dance, but i’d have to take the train? am i doing that? negative – i guess i’ll start drawing again, i can’t believe i’m rambling. to myself really. but it’s fine, there’s no one i’d rather talk to but myself. i’ve never felt this angry at the world. situations that happen – anything can happen in a matter of seconds. lives are altered.

 

okay. i’m stopping. i’ve gotta get my shit together. WHO AM I? i can’t fucking believe i’m in this state of mind. i have no explanation for it.

fix me; annakay