recently i’ve been listening to a lot of colbie caillat; i began listening to her probably about 3 years ago, before anyone knew who she was.. but it’s fine – good music spreads quickly. but anyway, i’m actually sitting at my desk, in my office – at the restaurant. i’m still in a shitty mood. i haven’t felt this way in a really really really long time, in fact – i’m not sure i’ve been this bummed – ever. just that all negative events occured, hit me hard – stuff i didn’t see coming, i wasn’t ready for. things i can’t go back to and change – things i have no control over. but thats life now, isn’t it. anyway – i don’t know how to change my damn emotions. i’m always always always in a good mood, i mean, prior to this whole week, which i won’t get into detail about, but i’m always trying to be happy, i hate being down – and now, there are just so many things running through my head, like – i don’t even know how to filter them out, or rather i don’t know if i should. i feel like i need an escape – call me dramatic, but perhaps i need a roadtrip, i need to clear my head. i havent figured out a way how, YET. school has been keeping me busy – but thats another thing i’m worried about, bills are piling up, and my goals in life have changed, what am i going to do with my life? for the first time in life, i don’t have a damn plan. i mean what happened to me?
i need new substrate. i’m not sure where to find it – i’m not sure what it is i can cling onto. but i need to. maybe an addiction. i’m thinking like a crazy person, i’m not depressed – i don’t believe in that shit. i’m an overall happy person, i just need to, relax, i guess. but i don’t know how to do that. i need a hobby maybe. maybe that’s what i need. i need to give myself time from the people i am surrounded by, i need to focus on solely me – but how am i supposed to do that when i live with my parents, attend the same school my brother does, i don’t have a license. i can’t exactly go where i please. maybe i should take up drawing again. or maybe i should start dancing again, i could dance, but i’d have to take the train? am i doing that? negative – i guess i’ll start drawing again, i can’t believe i’m rambling. to myself really. but it’s fine, there’s no one i’d rather talk to but myself. i’ve never felt this angry at the world. situations that happen – anything can happen in a matter of seconds. lives are altered.
okay. i’m stopping. i’ve gotta get my shit together. WHO AM I? i can’t fucking believe i’m in this state of mind. i have no explanation for it.
fix me; annakay