i posted this entry in 2009 – i just re-read it, and realized it deserves a reposting; i did not write this piece, but it relates to so many people i know out in the world – read it, pass it on.
NOVEMBER 29, 2009
all about, how love – doesn’t hurt.
taken from a blog i came across today – check her out dashleysteele —- her entry; i really like it.
July 31, 2009, 5:44 pm
My cousin tagged me in a note in facebook that had the title “i need opinions.” Being an opinionated person and always willing to speak my mind about (most) things, I obliged. Her questions covered some deep topics (racism and sexism, for example), but the question that drew me in was number one: Why does love hurt? I thought about it quite a lot, going over and over the subject in my head. Why does love hurt? We’ve been in relationships before, yes? And we feel sad when they end and the question is one we’ve all asked ourselves. Why does love hurt?
I’ve been in exactly two serious relationships in my life; one of them is with my husband. The other obviously didn’t work out so well. It was shit, to be quite frank. It wasn’t always bad, but toward the end of it there was definitely more bad than good. We were together for about a year and a half, and then broke up for nine months, and then got back together for 5 months. The getting back together part, that was a mistake. But I learned more about relationships in those five months than I had in any other previous “relationship” I was ever in.
Love doesn’t hurt.
Love does not cause your boyfriend to cheat on you: lack of faithfulness and blatant immaturity do. Love does not cause you to feel jealous of your significant other’s friends of the opposite sex: insecurity does. Love certainly does not cause you to clock your ex-boyfriend in the face: anger, frustration, and a teensy ounce of empowerment are all contributing factors. Love is considerate, understanding, and thoughtful. Love causes us to be vulnerable in times of stress and grief; love gives us the security to open ourselves up completely, to let down our guards. We trust that the person we love, and who says they love us, will not throw away our regard when it comes to making decisions or having conversations; we trust that they will consider our feelings and needs, will provide us with the security to speak our minds. When the person claiming they love us handles our heart maliciously or thoughtlessly, that is not love.
Love does not hurt. Hurt hurts. Being betrayed, lied to, that really sucks. And we think “But he said he loved me! Why is doing this?” He’s doing that because he does not love you. He does not regard your feelings as highly as his own, and so your needs got kicked to the curb. But it’s a two way street, isn’t it? Men aren’t monsters or bad people for breaking up with women any more than women are needy and clingy for voicing their opinions. Women are capable of the inducing the same bitter emotions. Men’s needs are relatively simple: eat, sleep, physical contact, wash, rinse, repeat. Women, on the other hand, tend to complain a lot more. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing–it has the ability to turn into a bad thing if abused–it’s just the nature of the beast. Women are talkers; men are doers. Problem solvers. People of action. When they are treated like a girlfriend or talked down to like a child, when their inherent manliness isn’t substantiated but, rather, diminished, who can blame them for wanting out? They aren’t loved, so they do not feel love, and because they are people of action, they do something about it.
But love, at the heart of the word, is a verb. The feeling of being in love is an emotion, one that eventually (and thankfully) wears off after a while. To love someone means seeing the bigger picture and your place in it; sometimes it means shutting up and letting the little things go. But at the heart of it, love doesn’t hurt. Not even a little bit.